Author · American · 1835 – 1910 · 210 quotes
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain
Author · American · 1835 – 1910
If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.
The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
Necessity is the mother of taking chances.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we."
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.
Prosperity is the best protector of principle.
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.
Better a broken promise than none at all.
Buy land, they're not making it anymore.
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
I've never let my school interfere with my education.
When in doubt tell the truth.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
It is easier to stay out than get out.
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
All right, then, I'll go to hell.
We are all alike, on the inside.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
