Mitch Hedberg Quotes | GloryQuotes

Mitch Hedberg Quotes About Funny

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Mitch Hedberg Quotes About Time

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

Browse 61 quotes attributed to Mitch Hedberg, listed in the source data as a American Comedian, organized around themes such as Funny, Time, Work. Use the topic links to explore similar quotes, or browse the full author collection in one place.