Erma Bombeck Quotes | GloryQuotes

Erma Bombeck Quotes About Children

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

Erma Bombeck Quotes About Mom

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

More Quotes by Erma Bombeck

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."

Never have more children than you have car windows.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

Browse 76 quotes attributed to Erma Bombeck, listed in the source data as a American Journalist, organized around themes such as Children, Mom, Women. Use the topic links to explore similar quotes, or browse the full author collection in one place.