Woody Allen Quotes | GloryQuotes

Woody Allen Quotes About Life

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Woody Allen Quotes About Wife

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

More Quotes by Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Browse 77 quotes attributed to Woody Allen, listed in the source data as a American Director, organized around themes such as Life, Wife, Funny. Use the topic links to explore similar quotes, or browse the full author collection in one place.