W. C. Fields Quotes | GloryQuotes

W. C. Fields Quotes About Women

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

W. C. Fields Quotes About Life

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

More Quotes by W. C. Fields

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I never met a kid I liked.

I like children - fried.

Browse 63 quotes attributed to W. C. Fields, listed in the source data as a American Comedian, organized around themes such as Women, Life, Children. Use the topic links to explore similar quotes, or browse the full author collection in one place.