Steven Wright Quotes – Page 2 | GloryQuotes

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

At one point he decided enough was enough.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What a nice night for an evening.

How young can you die of old age?

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

So, do you live around here often?

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"