Steven Wright Quotes | GloryQuotes

Steven Wright Quotes About Time

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Steven Wright Quotes About Children

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

More Quotes by Steven Wright

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Browse 98 quotes attributed to Steven Wright, listed in the source data as a American Comedian, organized around themes such as Time, Children, Writing. Use the topic links to explore similar quotes, or browse the full author collection in one place.