Groucho Marx Quotes | GloryQuotes

Groucho Marx Quotes About Women

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Groucho Marx Quotes About Book

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

More Quotes by Groucho Marx

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Browse 70 quotes attributed to Groucho Marx, listed in the source data as a American Comedian, organized around themes such as Women, Book, Time. Use the topic links to explore similar quotes, or browse the full author collection in one place.