Journalist · American · b. 1947 · 83 quotes
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
Dave Barry
Journalist · American · b. 1947
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.
And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
