Dave Barry Quotes | GloryQuotes

Dave Barry Quotes About Spiritual

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

Dave Barry Quotes About Time

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

More Quotes by Dave Barry

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

Browse 83 quotes attributed to Dave Barry, listed in the source data as a American Journalist, organized around themes such as Spiritual, Time, Business. Use the topic links to explore similar quotes, or browse the full author collection in one place.