George Carlin Quotes | GloryQuotes

George Carlin Quotes About Work

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

More Quotes by George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Religion is just mind control.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Always do whatever's next.

The status quo sucks.

Think off-center.

Browse 54 quotes attributed to George Carlin, listed in the source data as a American Comedian, organized around themes such as Work, Time, Career. Use the topic links to explore similar quotes, or browse the full author collection in one place.